DOES SIBLING RIVALRY EVER END?

Photo from  familymatters.net 2010

And Now It’s The Holidays . . .

In the 2006 film, 'The Holiday', Graham (Jude Law) is serving hot chocolate to his daughters, Sophie and Olivia. Sophie, the oldest, complains: “She has more marshmallows than me.”  Graham, the daddy, responds: “No, she doesn’t. You each have 5”. Turning to Amanda (Cameron Diaz), a grown woman, Graham quips: “You have 5 too.” Can it be that even grownups have sibling rivalry?

The question is – do sibling jealousies ever end? And, can they be a prototype for all rivalries in later life; even interfering with getting what you really want? Who would know better than Freud? Not only because he was the father of psychology and psychoanalysis. But, mostly because he was the oldest of eight children - all born in just ten years. 

Here’s what Freud said: “A child who has been put into second place by the birth of a brother or sister and who is now for the first time almost isolated from his mother, does not easily forgive her this loss of place . . .” 

There is no doubt that Freud understood the feeling of being pushed aside by a competitor. It happened to him year after year. Jealous feelings come up every day of the year – and not just for oldest children. The holidays, though, are a time when rivalry can run wild. Yes - even if you are an adult. 

Sound irrational? It’s not. There are plenty of old feelings lurking in those secret corners of your mind. Who gets the best present? Where do Mom or Dad spend more time?  You get the idea. If, early in life, you’ve felt pushed aside by a brother or sister, or two or three . . . the holidays certainly can bring painful reminders. Isn’t it all too easy to find ‘evidence’ that you are, or aren’t, the most special one? 

What happens to those feelings of jealousy and competition? Do you tell yourself, “That’s in the past”? Or, like many people – perhaps your early feelings of sibling rivalry may not be conscious. Yet, very likely they are still interfering with your life today - substituted by other people and different situations.  Situations involving things like love - job recognition - or how much money you make . . .

Does it seem like someone else always gets chosen over you? Do you have to go after what you want full force? Pushing competitors aside? Believing - if you don’t think of yourself, no one else will?  Or, do you quickly back out of the competition altogether; feeling no one will want you anyway? Do you feel like Sisyphus? Starting from scratch again and again. Because every time you try to get what you need – something (or someone) gets in the way. 

It might be hard to believe – but if the pickings seem too slim, maybe you are looking in the wrong place. Unknowingly repeating all too familiar situations from the past. Sometimes others do get more marshmallows. But, it doesn't mean they are better than you. Try to remember this: Although it might not have been this way in the past – there really is enough to go around. Make it your New Year’s resolution to open your mind to new possibilities.